Tag Archives: helping

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Accepting the Fact that Filipinos Help me

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It’s been about seven years since I first met Janet in person. We’d been chatting online for about a year. I had already visited the Philippines twice but hadn’t met her. She’d refused to meet since she wasn’t interested in my “collecting and selecting,” but that’s another story.

Finally we met and traveled to Southern Cebu to meet her family. I arrived with a large, heavy camera bag, crammed with camera gear and anything else I could manage to stuff into it. Janet’s younger brother, Leo, approached me to take my camera bag. I refused. Oh, I tried to be nice about it saying something like, “That’s OK. I can carry it. Thanks.” But the truth is I’m an American; we’re independent; we carry our own shit; we don’t need help from anyone!

The more I travelled in the Philippines the more I realised that people actually do want to help. The cynic in me assumed there were ulterior motives but my experience is that it ain’t necessarily so. A couple years after the incident with Leo, Janet, who I was by then married to admitted that Leo asked her why I wouldn’t allow him to carry my bag. She probably gave him some line about “crazy foreigners” but I learned my lesson and from then on allowed him or anyone else to help me when I visited the family.

Since I moved to the Philippines this has continued to be an issue for me, not because I don’t like to be helped but because I have a lifetime of American experience at how I never got helped. The benefit of growing up in such a culture is independence, self-reliance, and the ability to develop skills that I was forced to develop. The negative is it’s hard sometimes and that damn camera bag is getting heavier as I age.

But I’m learning. A few weeks ago we were in Southern Cebu visiting the family. Janet had to travel for the day north to Cebu City and I decided I would return to Dumaguete. She left at 3:00AM. I got up at 6:00, got myself ready and prepared to walk the ten minutes to the national highway from where I would get a bus. As I said my goodbyes Janet’s youngest brother and a cousin jumped up to accompany me to the road. I am experienced enough now not to say as I would have in the past, “I know the way to the road. You don’t need to get up.” One boy grabbed my backpack and off we went. When we arrived at the highway I did say, “You can go home and get back to sleep now. I can wait for the bus.” “No,” I was told. We all waited. The bus came about ten minutes later and I said goodbye to the teens and thanked them.

Yesterday I was preparing for a mini-trip on my own. I laid out my clothes and backpack. Before I knew it Janet had packed the backpack. She also added a few items I’d forgotten. I was ready to tell her that “Hey I’m an independent American. I can pack my own backpack.” Instead I just thanked her. It’s nice to be taken care of but it’s been seven years and I’m still learning to appreciate it and not resist.

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Frankly one of the delights about living in the Philippines is that many Filipinos want to help you; people you don’t know at all. I like it and have tried to stop being an Independent American and just accept it.

I know what some expats think. “They” all have an ulterior motive and want something from you. In this theory the “something” probably involves money. I’m sure that happens from time to time but in my experience the desire to help is genuine.

A couple months ago I was getting ready to meet a buddy to play golf. I got a call. He’d had a flat and could I come and help. I left immediately. By the time I got there I found my friend with three Filipinos changing his tire. After they’d finished he tried to give the lead guy some money but the man refused.

You know – I think I could get used to this being helped thing!

OK, the pic I selected has nothing to do with Filipinos helping, but it’s my Goddaughter, Mia, and she’s cute!

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“Helping” Your Philippines Family

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Today, I’m in an ornery mood and am going to give my take on one of the most controversial and trickiest (that is if you want to stay married) issues there is in a Fil-Am marriage: how to “help” your Philippines family.

First, let’s get the basic terminology out of the way. “Help” is a euphemism for money. If your fiancee asks you whether you are willing to “help” her family, she is not talking about performing household chores when you visit her in the provinces.

I bring this subject up today because I am on a forum and a guy there is asking about it. He’s looking online for a Filipina to potentially marry and wants to shell out as little green in the process as is possible; a good fiscal conservative, I suppose. He is assured by all that some form of “help” is essential. He is adamantly against that and begins to propose strategies to avoid “helping.” Surely, he reasons, he can find a middle or upper class Pinay whose family is loaded with pesos; there must be a few single Marcos or Aquino women lying around. No, we assure him; there aren’t many attractive, young and rich women interested in a poor, aging Westerner – especially one who refuses to “help.”

Finally he decides to search for women without parents and who want no children. Yep, lots of those in the Philippines 🙂 Apparently he’s also not yet heard of lolos and ates.

I honestly don’t know how this “help” business became a Philippines-only thing. Even among Western couples, assuming you stay married long enough (and maybe that’s the problem) someday you will be “helping” some family member(s). When my maternal grandfather got cancer (I was 12) he came to live with us. My maternal grandmother had a stroke and lived in a nursing home. I was too young to know the details but I have to assume my father shelled out some cash for the care of those inlaws. In those days it was part of the deal. Few women worked and the guy paid for his family and quite possibly hers as well. And she in turn took care of everyone, including his parents. The kids stayed out of the way and learned the hard and unpleasant truth about Poligrip.

In my childhood neighborhood this was quite common. Grandparents lived with their children/grandchildren. Are we so delusional that we don’t realize who paid or at least “helped.” Today we take the elderly in less often, preferring to farm them out to assisted living centers; BTW, you all have my permission to off me with a 357 before sending me to one of those. But regardless, someone’s got to pay.

OK, this piece is getting morbid which wasn’t my intention. My intention was to tell you all to man the hell up and pay – or at least contribute.

The best way to work this all out in a Fil-Am relationship is a radical one; talk to each other about it. I won’t get into too many of the specifics of what Janet and I do and don’t do, because frankly it’s none of your damn business 🙂 but we’ve talked about it from the beginning of our marriage, continue to talk about it regularly, make decisions together, and then take action. Or sometimes choose not to take action.

I know guys who claim that they have never “helped” their Philippines family. There is a name for that kind of husband in the Philippines – a liar 🙂 OK, there’s another name for such a husband – horny. Take your pick.

I know guys who claim that they have never “helped” their Philippines family. There is a name for that kind of husband in the Philippines – a liar 🙂

I also know foolhardy guys who wildly pay for everything, wanting to improve the quality of life for their new family. Of course it’s their money and if they want to buy an aircon for every room in their family’s home, or get each of their BILs a motorbike, and each SIL an ipad, then I need to ask these fools one thing and one thing only – how do I become of member of that family?

I have known plenty of guys on both the too little and too much end of the spectrum. Eventually it hurts the marriage and they have to find a moderate solution.

The following are some of the areas of “helping” you might need to discuss. I am not going to tell you what to do or not to do (what am I crazy); I just want to list areas of consideration:
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Emergencies – I consider emergencies to involve major medical problems or funerals but it’s possible for your BIL to consider that motorcycle he wants you to buy to be an emergency. You and your wife must come to an agreement on what constitutes an emergency. I’d recommend leaving the BIL out of that discussion.

BTW, just because you agree that there is an emergency does not mean you are responsible for paying for the entire emergency. I told the story recently about Janet’s uncle’s funeral; we did contribute, but just a modest amount of the cost.

Monthly Assistance – Many couples send an allowance to help the family with recurring bills. The advantage I suppose is that sending a set amount is easy. The disadvantage is that you may not be positive how it got used. Instead of a sack of rice or two, it could be going for a motorbike payment.

Education – Many Filipinas, wanting a better life for their younger siblings or cousins, send back money for education. The good news is that private education and college in the Philippines can be quite inexpensive. OTOH, if someone mentions the term “International School,” start taking out a loan or run.

It’s not unusual for the sister married to the kano to propose the following Pay it Forward type of arrangement: “I will pay for your college and you will work and contribute to the next kid’s college.”

Misc. – Janet and I have contributed small amounts of money for a variety of things: doctors appointments, meds, school clothing and supplies, etc. The amount is generally trivial.

Of course with all this you get into the question of who pays. If your wife does not work, the answer’s simple dude – you pay. If your wife works it gets more complex; do you ask her to pay out of her paycheck or share the expense. I am of the old school way of thinking that all the money that comes in is ours jointly, regardless of whose paycheck it came from. Actually I am from the old school way of thinking that all the money that comes in is hers, but let’s not tell Janet that 🙂

BTW, if you are as lucky as me to have a really nice Philippines family (and in my modest experience most are) you will be thanked for your efforts from here until your death bed.  Everyone will remember that last year you paid for the meds, bought a school uniform, contributed a small amount to the funeral, etc. Enjoy being the hero. You don’t get those accolades very often in my culture!