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How to Find a Bad Filipina – Online Dating Tips #2

Janet pressed me recently on what I intended to do in retirement. “Do? What do I have to do? It’s called retirement,” I replied.

But there is no question that one of the reasons I started this blog was because I knew that as a faux writer it would be one thing that I would enjoy doing in my Philippines old age. But that answer wasn’t quite enough for Janet.

“What about writing books?” she asked. In fact, I reminded her, I have a novel or two I might want to clean up and self-publish online. I also have a book of humorous and slightly dirty autobiographical stories that I definitely want to publish. I describe the style as sort of like David Sedaris, but dirtier and a little bit less – well, gay. But I decided to wait on that till I left the country – just in case.

I have also thought often of writing a funny yet reality-based book about how to find a Filipina wife. In all honestly I think it should be easy to find a nice girl in the Philippines but since so many guys report only finding bad ones it is clear that there is a real need for any guidance I can give. I expect a book will be in the offing and Janet is already planning on how we should spend the vast number of pesos it will make. It should certainly pay for our monthly trike budget.

But since the book is not yet here, I decided to write yet another blog piece on online dating, but this time I am going to target it toward those guys who are looking to find the fun girl, the sketchy girl, the bad girl, since obvious that’s what so many guys must really want.

So, based on some conversations with Westerners who consistently are drawn to the dark side, here are my tips on how to find a really, really bad (though probably a really, really fun) Filipina. Needless to say, my tongue is placed firmly in my cheek.

Here are my tips on how to find a really, really bad (though probably a really, really fun) Filipina. Needless to say, my tongue is placed firmly in my cheek.

1. Avoid churches and colleges:  Just because most Filipinas are Catholic does not mean there are no bad girls out there. Girls that will put out on the first date. Girls that realize that the word missionary does not only refer to what they intend to do after college. And definitely girls that have experienced more positions in life than missionary.

So, by all means avoid meeting girls in churches. Yes, it is true that you could meet your dream bad girl in church, but the odds aren’t good and the local priest might be a poor source for referrals.

Same with college and university girls. These girls may talk flirty but they are too busy studying and working 60 hours a week putting themselves through school to give you what you truly desire.

Of course, Janet did have a good friend in school who managed to work, graduate, and sleep with everyone in pants. Janet was never sure where she found the time to do it all. An IT major, apparently she was very good at multi-tasking 🙂

2. Avoid mall clerks: Many very attractive girls work in the malls. As I have said before, discrimination is alive and well in the Philippines and all mall clerks are required to be attractive and under 30. So while that may appear to make malls a target rich environment, avoid them like the plaque. The girls work 6 days and 50-60 hours/week. And while they might be very happy to go out with you on their next day off, since that doesn’t come until after your two-week sex tour is over, the sweet and pretty mall girl just isn’t for you.
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3. Avoid girls from the provinces: Just as with the mall girls, this recommendation is more about logistics than anything else. You are in the Philippines for a week or two and your goal is to – well, “experience” as much of the culture as you can. So, do you really have time to travel hours to the provinces in hot buses with sweaty passengers? And when you do arrive you will have to waste more of your precious time meeting and interacting with her family, where you will actually be asked those uncomfortable personal questions you wish to avoid, especially the ones with the “M” word.

So, stick to Manila, Cebu or Angeles and avoid those pesky provincial marital questions.

4. Stay away from poor, simple Pinays: Sophisticate that you are, do you really want a girl that cannot share your excitement about your new Bimmer, iphone, or high end gaming system? You want her to understand and share your Western notions, values, and particularly your Western goods, right?  The poor Pinay may be good at telling you where to buy sacks of rice or lechon for the best price, but your upscale Pinay can tell you where to get the latest iphone – the one that hasn’t even been released in the Philippines yet – and the one that she “really, really, please, please, please” needs!

So, stick to the rich girls. The poor girl will actually hope you buy a sack of rice for her family, which is not quite as exciting as what you have in mind.

5. Only search for online dating profiles of girls who post pics in bikinis or wear tattoos: Actually this rule is changing a bit. When I searched online 4 years ago, it was sort of an unwritten rule that only the bad girls posted bikini shots and wore real (not henna) tattoos. Now this is changing. Hell, even Janet posts bikini pics on Facebook.

Nonetheless, for a good time, I would recommend those tatted and well bikinied girls. Stay away from the conservatively dressed; they know all about that damn “M” word. You have been warned!

6. If she wants to take you to church – run: If the girl asks you to visit a church with her, promising a fun time, she might just be wasting your time. When we met in Cebu, Janet immediately wanted to show me the famous Santo Nino Church. It’s actually a very nice site (see pic above), but if you are on a short schedule and looking for action, this is the kind of girl to avoid.

OTOH, a year before meeting Janet I did get to know a bad girl who also insisted that we visit Santo Nino Church. So, be careful because even a bad girl can pretend to be good. Have I confused you yet?

7. Do not assume that a girl who looks hot and nasty is, well, hot and nasty: In the West if you spot a girl in a tight top, wearing short- shorts, well made up, and wearing very high heels or platform shoes, you can assume she wishes to have fun (hopefully with you) or is on her way to her job as a streetwalker. In the Philippines she is probably also on her way to her job – in the aforementioned mall, after which she will go to church for midnight mass. And she wants to take you.

P.S. Apparently some readers do not understand the concept of “tongue in cheek.” Even my lovely Janet knew right away that I was being “sarcastic Dave” with this piece. So, if you found yourself infuriated by my terrible advise, please read again. We’ll all wait for you to catch up 🙂

 

Cam Boy – rated PG-13 ;)

Through a series of happy coincidences, mostly driven by male post-menopausal horniness, I ended up on Yahoo Messenger, video chatting with a series of young, attractive women on a popular dating site, strictly specializing in Asian women. No, not Asian-American women, or tiny Caucasians pretending to be Asian women; rather Asian as in from Asia, the real thing, the full pot sticker deal, and most seemed to come from the only hotbed of hotties available to the average middle-aged American schlub – The Philippines.

Now video chatting with impossibly young and incredibly beautiful Asian women is nothing short of sensational and revelatory. Suddenly I found myself in my element; an environment in which my writing skills, the ability to speak English better than my third world chatmates, and my blazing typing speed, allowing me to chat with three girls at a time, could finally shine.

As advertised, Asian women are incredibly feminine and a bit deferential to men. Many of the women I had been video chatting with managed to call me “handsome” or “guapo” within the course of the first chat. It’s not a word I am used to hearing and hearing it a dozen times within the first week was pretty damn enthralling. I frankly am too old and delusional to care if “handsome” is spoken truthfully, in jest, or in reference to a horse-drawn cab. I haven’t been called handsome this often since accidentally cruising “The Castro” after college. OK, “cruising’s” probably not the best descriptive verb to use.

I haven’t been called handsome this often since accidentally cruising “The Castro” after college. OK, “cruising’s” probably not the best descriptive verb to use.

When I signed up for the website I had no idea what to expect. Within an hour of signing up I was slammed with emails and “smiles”. Many were sent by impossibly young and breathtakingly beautiful women. By the end of the first day, I had received about one hundred emails from women all over The Philippines.

Video chats ensued and of the nearly one thousand women who contacted me that first month (yes, you read that right), I video chatted addictively with well over fifty, often until 2:00 in the morning. I was a very busy boy.

Despite the stereotypical notion of passive Asian women, I found the women to be assertive in their wants and happy to talk about what they would do to me if I were to choose them. I didn’t discourage their ardor. Woman after woman complimented me, fawned all over me, proposed marriage, love and all the sex and rice I could handle?

And despite the girls’ demure  profiles that proclaimed their desire for a respectful man and general dislike of sex talk, with dire warnings toward men who might propose nude cam sessions, the women invariably wanted to bring up the subject. Their fears seemed to last a chat session or two and then melted like ice-cream on a hot Cebu day. Once they trusted me a bit, they seemed happy to tell me what they liked in bed and what they wanted to do to me, and were equally happy to know what I wished to do to them and how often.

Clearly many of the women were not only highly libidinous but their conservative culture meant many seemed a bit frustrated. A young woman who lived at home and said she’d only had one boyfriend in her life, was quite hot to talk about the sex she wished to have with her future husband (and she hoped that would be me). This comes as no surprise, I suppose; like the Catholic School girl who turns all “girls gone wild” after leaving that cloistered environment, these girls were raring to go. But what was most surprising was their apparent desire to come out of the proverbial closet – with me.

On the other hand, the Philippines is a religiously conservative culture and I chatted with several girls who said they were virgins and would not have sex before marriage. But even these girls were happy to talk about what they hoped to have once they were married. I had one other girl apologize to me because she was no longer a virgin, and I patiently had to explain that this was not a bad thing.

I asked many women the same question. “Don’t you think I’m a little old for someone like you?” They all answered with the same “age is just a number” cliché and often found the question itself to be curious. I will say, regarding the age thing that many of the girls wanted to see my face on webcam as much as I wanted to see theirs, and I assumed they wanted to make sure I didn’t look like the Crypt Keeper. One girl even giggled and bluntly asked if I was “still sexually active.” I responded, “Do you mean can I still do it?” and that was what she actually wanted to know. Such questions usually lead to conversations of what I wanted and how frequently I could want it. The girls playfully teased that since they were young, they probably had more energy than I did.

Not only did scores of women express interest in me, but many did so employing a white hot jealousy heretofore unknown in my life. Girls, subtly or not so subtly, asked me how many chatmates I had and there was one instance where a girl I had chatted with a lot (and liked) got furious with me and broke off contact, because she knew I was chatting with others. Another girl went completely postal for an innocent comment I made, cut off contact and later begged for forgiveness. After I said, “OK, I forgive you,” she went right back to “planning the wedding.”

______

Her name was Eunice (ok, not really) and unlike the other Filipina women I was chatting up, who were often of the shy, respectful and god-fearing variety, she smiled and laughed often and libidinously, though she covered her face in mock embarrassment when laughing. Over two evenings, we’d spent hours chatting and it was delightful. She came off as demure, yet lusty. By the second night it was clear that should I ever show up in The Philippines, we’d be lovers, and that in all likelihood no gratuity would be required.

By the third chat she asked if I’d like to see some extra pictures of her. “Sure, if you want,” I said, naive moron that I am. A moment later in the discrete environs of my email inbox I was reveling in a series of naked pictures, revealing a lovely, smiling, laughing and openly sexual woman. She looked beautiful and I told her so.

“Do you have any pictures you can send me?” she asked.

“Not like these,” I said. “I mean I have a few nude pics, but those were taken during a weight lifting program I did. You know just to record a before and after. Not that there was much difference.”

“I want,” she said.

I was embarrassed. “Really, why?”

“Send them.”

“Well, I’ve lost twenty pounds since then. So really they are not the greatest…”

“Send them,” she demanded.
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I did.

“Nice muscles,” she remarked.

“Thanks,” I giggled.

“I wanna see cock,” she proclaimed.

“What!”

Now, no one’s demanded to see my goodies since the Clinton administration, and then not through electronic means.

“Well, I might have a picture…” I mumbled, starting to madly rifle though my Mac’s picture files. “I have it here somewhere.”

“Do it on the cam,” she stated.

“What! I can’t…”

“I wanna see it! Now!” She laughed at my embarrassment.

“If I show you mine over the cam, you have to show me yours,” I justified.

“My cock?” she giggled. “Don’t have.”

“OK. I’ll show you mine if you show me – something.”

“I can’t. I’m in the Internet cafe.”

“Good excuse.”

I thought about her demands for a moment. When, I wondered, had a hot, young women, demanded to see my – well anything? Never – not even when I was young and the girls were drunk – or married to me.

So…what the hell. I stood up, shuffled nervously, positioned myself in front of the cam so that my entire body was visible – and in one swift motion pulled down my pants. On my computer monitor, I watched her laugh and scream. I took my organ in my hand and “wiggled the bean,” as they used to described it in the Old West. She screamed and laughed more.

A bit later in the chat, brimming with newfound sexual confidence, I demanded, “Show me your boobs.” She quickly flashed me in the un-private confines of the Internet Cafe and then, tit for tat so to speak, I drop my pants again, did a little dance, wiggled my bean and she laughed hysterically.

I’ve often said that there is no greater pleasure in my life than making a beautiful woman laugh. It was a highly pleasurable moment.

———-

While in college, I studied film making, editing and screenwriting, though I never got anywhere professionally with it. Apparently I had it all backwards. Behind the camera wasn’t my calling. In front of the camera – naked in front of the camera, was.

How to Meet a Filipina – Online Dating Tips #1

Now while I know several Fil-Am couples who met in the “real world,” either in the Philippines or in the guy’s home country, these are rare outliers and most “normal” couples today meet using the clean and modern method known as online dating. Of course the term is a bit of a misnomer since, while you may be communicating, you are not dating at least in old fashioned terms. On second thought maybe you are truly dating; except the parlor’s now a chat room, the chaperone is the admin of the dating site, the date itself is via cam, the initial dates are traditional and sexless – although I disproved that in my upcoming post, Cam Boy (stayed tuned).

I’ve had the opportunity to talk about my online experiences with several guys and most of them are still speaking to me, so here in no order of importance are Dave’s Online Dating Tips . Perhaps if we ask nicely or beg loudly, Janet will someday share her online dating tips for Filipinas.

I should as always emphasize that these were my methods and my experience only, so guys try not to whine that the girls online are all scammers and girls, let’s not pretend that you weren’t online checking out foreigners.

Tip 1 – Sign up and break out your credit card: That’s right, prove from the get go that you are an affluent kano. While there are several well-known free dating sites catering to Asian women, pay your money and go to one of the real, i.e. pay dating sites. I’m all for living on the cheap, but if you aren’t willing to pay the monthly fee, you’re never going to pay to go to the Philippines to meet her – so quit while you’re ahead.

Tip 2 – Don’t make your profile the same as you would for Match.com or eharmony: Filipinas are not interested in your political leanings (they wouldn’t know a leftist from a right winger and think Tea Party is, well – a  tea party). Nor are they interested that despite the fact you’re a cop, you’re really a closet feminist. Your Proust collection will elicit blank stares and your fondness for old Bogey and Bacall films might not impress a Filipina as much as you hoped.

Chilling in Cancun
Chilling in Cancun made me look sophisticated and like I might be able to afford the flight to Cebu

Your Proust collection will elicit blank stares and your fondness for old Bogey and Bacall films might not impress a Filipina as much as you hoped.

What did I do? I posted several pics that displayed a neat and clean, if aged, man. A couple showed me traveling, giving the girls the impression that I might actually one day show up in the Philippines. I emphasized my maturity. In the West this is considered boring and counter-productive; I’d be much better off coming across as a 61-year old bad boy. In fact on my Match.com pic I wore a leather jacket, though I can’t ride a motorcycle to save my life. But in the Philippines women are actually hoping you will be an adult. If you’re not used to this – try faking it.

Tip 3 – Age: Like all dating sites, the Fil-Am sites have you not only specify your age but allow you to select your age preferences in women and also allow you to see what range of ages she selected as her preference. Don’t be surprised when you see that many of the girls chose 18-80. It just indicates they’re very very broad minded. OTOH, if you’re 81, you’re on your own.

Important note: Unlike on Western dating sites it’s a great strategy to post your actual age! I know, I know – it sounds nuts – but Filipinas want to know your actual age and will not be put off that you’re old enough to have actually seen Hendrix in concert, other than they won’t know who Hendrix is, which will make you sound mature and wise as you teach her.

As to your stated preferences – it really doesn’t matter, in that you can select 25-35 or 20-50, but you will still be contacted by 18 and 19 year olds. That wasn’t my interest when I was online but I certainly had several fun chats before reluctantly (very reluctantly) turning the girls down. BTW, if you do have an interest in the 18-years olds, you will need some foolproof method to verify her age, probably involving DNA or bone marrow scans, since most won’t actually be 18 yet and Philippines prisons are not the enlightened penal institutions we have here in the U.S. If you’re as old as me, just imagine your favorite scene from Midnight Express and you’ll get the picture.

Tip 4 – Clean out your email inbox: I received 100 emails and smiles the first day I signed up and about 1,000 during the first month. The sheer numbers will overwhelm you and you will need a good system to determine your requirements and eliminate the also rans. My system was a simple yet effective one; I eliminated every girl with an i or an o in her first name. Ok, seriously, my requirements were pretty simple: college educated, non-smoker, single, childless. I also required her to be black haired and cute; those were easy to find.
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Regarding “single.” This is a key word in the Philippines. A girl will write on her profile or tell you that she is “completely single.” This at first confused me; what’s partially single, I wondered? Well the problem is that since there is no legal divorce in the Philippines, a girl can be “single” but in fact still married. She also can be single, but have 3 Filipino boyfriends. Worse still, she can actually be “completely single” but fail to mention that she is not “completely a girl.”

Tip 5 – Chat with many girls and video cam: You must see each other on cam. For me this was a requirement and frankly a great pleasure. Filipinas know this and so either she will have a cam, she will have access to a cam at school or work, she will cam in an Internet Cafe, or her boyfriend will have a cam. I would recommend eliminating girls in the latter category.

Initially, chat with many girls. This will get you used to the culture and cultural barriers, the language, what Filipinas are looking for, and teach you what qualities you like in a Filipina woman. Also it’s a hell of a lot of fun and is guaranteed to take over your life for a while. Don’t settle on the first cute girl who calls you guapo. They’re all cute and they will all call you guapo. Be selective and go for what you truly want. You don’t have to compromise just for a pretty face or hot body, since most will have a pretty face and a hot body; that’s just standard operating equipment in the Philippines.

Now eventually she will try to get you to eliminate your other chatmates (aka, the competition). Resist this urge until you are really sure she is the one you want to focus on.

Tip 6 – Make a list: I made a list of my favorite 20 girls of the over 50 I was chatting with. Basic stuff: name, city, what college she went to, what job, etc. I learned this the hard way, making mistakes, usually late at night when I was tired. A nurse named Cathy may be offended that you’ve confused her with Cathy who’s a “cashier” at a club in Angeles City.

Note: If the words “bar fine” come up in a chat – run! This does not mean she is a liquor enforcement officer.

Speaking of late at night, when a cute girl would buzz me at 2:00 AM – I answered her immediately and so should you. What the hell else did I have to do?

Tip 7 – Spotting Bad Girls: Rule number one should be simple. If a girl you are chatting with asks you for money – dump her. Of course, your wife might be an exception to this rule.

The bad girls can be very clever. One may wait several or even many chats before asking for money. She will tell you she needs money for school, her lolo is sick, or there is some family emergency. I was asked on a couple occasions for money to buy a new web cam, and promised a cam show to reward my generosity. It makes no sense why the guys don’t immediately dump the girl when such a request comes in, but in some cases the guy is already hooked. But again, I emphasize – be brutal. The moment the request comes in, you get out.

Remember, girls will be doing the same thing you are doing; that is chatting with many men. So don’t be fooled when she says you’re the only one. But, don’t necessarily hold this against her. Like you, she’s hedging her bets. On the other hand, if she’s chatting with many other men and you’ve already married her, you might have a problem.