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Chatting with Janet
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Sickness and Death in the Philippines
Note: There’s not a lot of humor in the following piece. Next time – I promise!
Sunday morning Janet got up early to check her messages. I wasn’t surprised. Her department at work is short-handed and she sort of expected to get called in on her day off. She’s an Asst. Manager and I am very proud of her, but this crap happens all too often.
She threw on some clothes and I expected to hear that she’d gotten called in. Instead she only said, “my uncle died.”
“What? You mean the one who was sick?” Actually in my pre-awake haze I’d gotten that wrong. Another uncle’s wife had been ill and there had been several calls and drama about that over the previous week. A young woman in her early 30s she’d been going to doctors for months and they hadn’t yet solved the problem. In the end the family decided that she should travel to her parents’ home for rest and recuperation. But what to do about her three children? Her husband would come home to care for them and my mother in law volunteered to care for one of the kids, who immediately moved in with the family.
My mother in law has raised ten kids, three of whom are young and still live at home. In addition, she has two baby/toddler grandkids who live next door and spend much of their day with grandma. In fact so much of their day is spent with her that they call her “mama.” It’s common in the Philippines.
She has made it very clear that if Janet and I ever have a child and if we would like to drop off the child for a little while – oh, say six months – that would be fine with her! She’s had a lot of kids and grandkids, but no white babies with long noses yet 🙂
So it was no surprise that she took on her brother’s child so that the child’s mother could recover. Unfortunately, the woman doesn’t truly think she will recover and worries about what to do with her children after her death.
So naturally, early in the morning, I got the various family members confused. “No, not her,” Janet said. “My other uncle. Another of my mother’s brothers. You remember.” And I did remember meeting him and his being a nice guy. He too couldn’t wait until Janet had her “white baby.”
“What happened?” I asked. Take the following account with a grain of salt, because it’s third hand and told in a different language.
“His leg was hurting and they took him to the hospital in Dalaguete.” Now hospital is a misnomer here; the small town of Dalaguete, in Southern Cebu, has little more than a clinic. In the clinic, Uncle complained that the pain was greater and he could not move his leg. Though not deemed critical, the situation was serious enough that they recommended he be referred to a hospital in Cebu City.
His wife was told by friends that she ought to apologize for any arguments they had had. This is apparently a common belief in the Philippines before death, where spirits that have unresolved conflicts can’t fly free. But in her view the condition wasn’t serious enough for the apology. She and other friends and relatives sat by Uncle, who had fallen asleep, as they awaited to arrange the transfer. Unfortunately Uncle had not fallen asleep; he’d passed away in his sleep.
The family was stunned as was Janet. Her Uncle was in his latter 50s; still relatively young; younger than Janet’s geriatric husband. And he was relatively healthy.
An autopsy was performed. It showed that he’d had a wound on the affected leg and apparently an infection traveled to the brain.
Janet was devastated by the loss of her uncle. The day was spent with lots of phone conversations and Facebook messages.
And of course when a death occurs you can’t help but think of one thing – your own death.
“I changed my mind,” Janet said. “If I die you don’t have to ship my body back to the Philippines. Just cremate me.”
“Why did you decide that?”
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“It’s too expensive.”
“I’m sure I can manage. I’d call your mom and see what she wanted done. But what are you talking about? You’re 27. You’re not dying. You will at least make it till we retire in the Philippines in two years.”
“Well it’s too expensive.”
“Speaking of expensive, don’t spend much on my funeral. I don’t care – I’ll be dead.”
Of course this led to the most important question and the one that I knew was coming: should we contribute to Uncle’s funeral expenses, or more accurately, how much should we contribute?
“How much do funerals cost in the Philippines?” I asked.
“It’s very expensive. I know how much was spent for my lola’s coffin.”
I Googled it and actually found lots of information on funeral costs in the Philippines. Of course, just as in the US, you could spend nearly any amount, from 10,000P to 1,000,000P.
After some back and forth discussion I proposed a figure. Janet scrunched her nose. I wasn’t sure if that meant the figure was too little or too much. “Ask your mom how much it’s all gonna cost and then we can decide,” I said. But we certainly decided that while we were ok with contributing we were not going to pay the whole thing.
At night Janet called her mom again. After getting all the latest news Janet proposed our contribution. Her mom countered the figure – lower.
“Mom says you get a 20% discount,” Janet said and we both laughed; the first laugh of the day for Janet. In reality the amount was modest and once again showed me that for all the complaints from some expats about their Filipina’s family, I have a great one!
BTW, here’s another example of how wonderful my Filipino family is. Janet’s mom complained because her 19 year old son, now gainfully employed in Cebu City, called her 4 times to make sure she was OK. She had just lost her favorite brother and was no doubt heartbroken. But mom was amused and annoyed that the son wouldn’t leave her alone.
As with all deaths which occur suddenly, there were lots of comments all day about what a good thing it was that Uncle didn’t suffer.
My attitudes toward my own death have changed so much over the years. When I was 20 I was positive that I would “live fast and die young.” By middle age I figured I would live fairly long, not enjoy it too much and work till I died. Now at 62 I find myself at times a bit scared. I have so much to live for and don’t want to lose a moment of it!
P.S. Watching a movie Janet just leaned over and told me, “I want a baby more than ever.” We all think of our mortality in different ways. Clearly I have some work to do before I go 🙂
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How to Argue With Your Filipina Wife
I am not proud of the fact that Janet and I argue more often than I would like. OTOH I am proud of the fact that our arguments are invariably about nothing and are usually things we laugh about afterwards. Or at least Janet laughs at me.
Now, let’s face it, no matter what culture you are from, all couples occasionally argue – some more than occasionally. I have a couple of online friends who claim they have never argued with their Filipina wives, but I don’t believe them. At the very least I would have to say that life would be a little dull if one never disagreed or felt passionate enough about his or her point of view to, well, get heated about it.
But the question here is – are arguments engaged by Fil-Am couples different? Sometimes the answer has to be yes. We all know that some disagreements with our asawas are language-based. A misunderstanding based on language occurs and suddenly all hell breaks loose because when she asked you to “shut the light” you shrugged your shoulders and shut the door because you had no idea what the hell “shut the light” means.
Or if she tells you her brother/father/ate got load and you assume she meant they got drunk as a skunk, rather than that they can now call you on their cell – a big argument might ensue.
And then there are misunderstandings that are cultural. Like most Filipinas, Janet points to something or indicates agreement with a tiny flick of her lips. So, if I ask her something and am anticipating a yes or no answer and don’t notice or am not looking directly at her lips, it causes confusion. I am wondering why she didn’t answer me and she gets pissed because she knows she did answer me – with her lips – and why didn’t I pay attention to her.
I would also say that at least 50% of all our arguments in some way, shape or form involve “the family.” Now I really like Janet’s family. I am serious – they are very nice people and I enjoy seeing them. I have been to her hometown of Alcoy 5 or 6 times now and each time we return to the Philippines, Janet is positive that I don’t want to go to Alcoy and don’t really want to see her family, despite what I believe is significant evidence to the contrary. So when we plan our latest trip to the Philippines, we usually end up in some sort of minor argument over visiting Alcoy, despite the fact that we both agree that we want to visit Alcoy.
Once we have booked the trip, including the one week to Alcoy, Janet will shyly ask whether she can spend one night with her family alone, with me staying in the hotel. I know this request is coming, and agree immediately. I completely understand why a night without the kano son in law is a great thing for all of them. But of course this is followed by ten separate discussions making sure it is really, really OK.
“What will you do when I’m gone?” Janet will ask.
“I don’t know. I’ll figure it out,” I respond. This is usually followed by fears that I will do something dangerous, like take a trike on my own or go swimming at the beach. I assure Janet that I have been swimming on my own “since I was 40,” and can handle it. She will nod in agreement but tell me that her mother says there is the section of the beach where there is undertoe and really I should maybe just swim at the hotel’s pool (where I am also less likely to meet another Filipina 🙂 )
In these discussions I keep calm by reminding myself that my previous wives never cared so much for my safety, never asked for permission to do things on their own, and for that matter never asked my opinion about anything, and unlike Janet, never worried about whether I might meet another Filipina.
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The flip side is that I too have insecurities and they sometimes come into play during disagreements, usually in the form of wondering why a beautiful woman like Janet would be with a mope like me in the first place. Fears about my age, height, and lack of hair come to the forefront and Janet ends up annoyed by having to remind me that I am “not that old,” am somewhat taller than her, but that it is true that “I wish you had more hair.” Well two out of three ain’t bad, I tell myself.
Sometimes it seems like the thing that causes the most heated arguments is – the sending of the balikayan box. This happened recently. Janet had done a great job filling the box with the goodies we had accumulated over the past couple months. She did quite a job of overstuffing the box with the maximum amount it can possibly hold. After that it takes a herculean effort to close the box and tape it shut, usually involving one person sitting on the thing, while the other uses all his strength to pull the box lids closed and quickly throwing some tape around it.
This particular night I came into our bedroom tired and ready to go to bed. I tore off most of my clothing and Janet said, “let’s close the box.” I looked at it and immediately realized it would be a long, sweaty process and said “let’s wait till tomorrow. Set it on its side so the contents can settle. That might make it easier.” But Janet was ready right then and so we went at the box. Grunts and curses ensued (mostly by me) at first directed at the box and tape, and then directed at each other – ok, those were mostly by me also. We gave up and went silently to bed.
24 hours later Janet decided it might be ok for me to talk to her again. Apologies were given and a certain amount of necessary groveling was done (also by me) and all was well with the world.
The next day we went at the box again and easily got it taped up. I thought to myself (but smart husband that I am kept it to myself) ‘see, when the contents settle, it goes easily.’ Janet thought and then said to me, “see, when we do it together and you’re not cranky, it goes easily.”
So, now I have told you, dear readers how to avoid and resolve your Fil-Am argument problems – or maybe not!
PS. OK, Lucy and Ricky (above) aren’t Fil-Am but their arguments were so funny and they usually made up so well.
BTW, here’s my favorite description of the way most of us Westerners argue, Monty Python’s legendary Argument Clinic:
https://youtu.be/hnTmBjk-M0c
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How to Find a Bad Filipina – Online Dating Tips #2
Janet pressed me recently on what I intended to do in retirement. “Do? What do I have to do? It’s called retirement,” I replied.
But there is no question that one of the reasons I started this blog was because I knew that as a faux writer it would be one thing that I would enjoy doing in my Philippines old age. But that answer wasn’t quite enough for Janet.
“What about writing books?” she asked. In fact, I reminded her, I have a novel or two I might want to clean up and self-publish online. I also have a book of humorous and slightly dirty autobiographical stories that I definitely want to publish. I describe the style as sort of like David Sedaris, but dirtier and a little bit less – well, gay. But I decided to wait on that till I left the country – just in case.
I have also thought often of writing a funny yet reality-based book about how to find a Filipina wife. In all honestly I think it should be easy to find a nice girl in the Philippines but since so many guys report only finding bad ones it is clear that there is a real need for any guidance I can give. I expect a book will be in the offing and Janet is already planning on how we should spend the vast number of pesos it will make. It should certainly pay for our monthly trike budget.
But since the book is not yet here, I decided to write yet another blog piece on online dating, but this time I am going to target it toward those guys who are looking to find the fun girl, the sketchy girl, the bad girl, since obvious that’s what so many guys must really want.
So, based on some conversations with Westerners who consistently are drawn to the dark side, here are my tips on how to find a really, really bad (though probably a really, really fun) Filipina. Needless to say, my tongue is placed firmly in my cheek.
Here are my tips on how to find a really, really bad (though probably a really, really fun) Filipina. Needless to say, my tongue is placed firmly in my cheek.
1. Avoid churches and colleges: Just because most Filipinas are Catholic does not mean there are no bad girls out there. Girls that will put out on the first date. Girls that realize that the word missionary does not only refer to what they intend to do after college. And definitely girls that have experienced more positions in life than missionary.
So, by all means avoid meeting girls in churches. Yes, it is true that you could meet your dream bad girl in church, but the odds aren’t good and the local priest might be a poor source for referrals.
Same with college and university girls. These girls may talk flirty but they are too busy studying and working 60 hours a week putting themselves through school to give you what you truly desire.
Of course, Janet did have a good friend in school who managed to work, graduate, and sleep with everyone in pants. Janet was never sure where she found the time to do it all. An IT major, apparently she was very good at multi-tasking 🙂
2. Avoid mall clerks: Many very attractive girls work in the malls. As I have said before, discrimination is alive and well in the Philippines and all mall clerks are required to be attractive and under 30. So while that may appear to make malls a target rich environment, avoid them like the plaque. The girls work 6 days and 50-60 hours/week. And while they might be very happy to go out with you on their next day off, since that doesn’t come until after your two-week sex tour is over, the sweet and pretty mall girl just isn’t for you.
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3. Avoid girls from the provinces: Just as with the mall girls, this recommendation is more about logistics than anything else. You are in the Philippines for a week or two and your goal is to – well, “experience” as much of the culture as you can. So, do you really have time to travel hours to the provinces in hot buses with sweaty passengers? And when you do arrive you will have to waste more of your precious time meeting and interacting with her family, where you will actually be asked those uncomfortable personal questions you wish to avoid, especially the ones with the “M” word.
So, stick to Manila, Cebu or Angeles and avoid those pesky provincial marital questions.
4. Stay away from poor, simple Pinays: Sophisticate that you are, do you really want a girl that cannot share your excitement about your new Bimmer, iphone, or high end gaming system? You want her to understand and share your Western notions, values, and particularly your Western goods, right? The poor Pinay may be good at telling you where to buy sacks of rice or lechon for the best price, but your upscale Pinay can tell you where to get the latest iphone – the one that hasn’t even been released in the Philippines yet – and the one that she “really, really, please, please, please” needs!
So, stick to the rich girls. The poor girl will actually hope you buy a sack of rice for her family, which is not quite as exciting as what you have in mind.
5. Only search for online dating profiles of girls who post pics in bikinis or wear tattoos: Actually this rule is changing a bit. When I searched online 4 years ago, it was sort of an unwritten rule that only the bad girls posted bikini shots and wore real (not henna) tattoos. Now this is changing. Hell, even Janet posts bikini pics on Facebook.
Nonetheless, for a good time, I would recommend those tatted and well bikinied girls. Stay away from the conservatively dressed; they know all about that damn “M” word. You have been warned!
6. If she wants to take you to church – run: If the girl asks you to visit a church with her, promising a fun time, she might just be wasting your time. When we met in Cebu, Janet immediately wanted to show me the famous Santo Nino Church. It’s actually a very nice site (see pic above), but if you are on a short schedule and looking for action, this is the kind of girl to avoid.
OTOH, a year before meeting Janet I did get to know a bad girl who also insisted that we visit Santo Nino Church. So, be careful because even a bad girl can pretend to be good. Have I confused you yet?
7. Do not assume that a girl who looks hot and nasty is, well, hot and nasty: In the West if you spot a girl in a tight top, wearing short- shorts, well made up, and wearing very high heels or platform shoes, you can assume she wishes to have fun (hopefully with you) or is on her way to her job as a streetwalker. In the Philippines she is probably also on her way to her job – in the aforementioned mall, after which she will go to church for midnight mass. And she wants to take you.
P.S. Apparently some readers do not understand the concept of “tongue in cheek.” Even my lovely Janet knew right away that I was being “sarcastic Dave” with this piece. So, if you found yourself infuriated by my terrible advise, please read again. We’ll all wait for you to catch up 🙂
Camiguin ’15
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