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Green Card #2

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No, the title of this blog entry doesn’t mean I am filing for another “foreign” wife, requiring yet another Green Card. I’m crazy but not that crazy. Besides, Janet might object and take the bolo to me – or her 🙂

What it means, for those not familiar with the Green Card process, is that the initial Green Card obtained after Janet arrived in the U.S. and more importantly, after we married, is considered by our friends at the USCIS and Homeland Security to be “conditional” and after two years we have to apply for the “conditions” to be removed. The “conditions” apparently being that you have to pay more money to remove the “conditions.”

So now, two years after we married and two years after we filed for Janet’s “conditional” Green Card, we are back at it, putting together a packet of papers large enough to bring down yet another rain-forest.

So now, two years after we married and two years after we filed for Janet’s “conditional” Green Card, we are back at it, putting together a packet of papers large enough to bring down yet another rain-forest.

Now I get it – really and truly. There are reasons to confirm that the woman approved “conditionally” as a US resident a couple years ago is still eligible to be an “unconditional” U.S. resident. Well, that and the $590 windfall Homeland Security is going to get from us.

They will take Janet’s bio-metrics, the fancy 21st Century word for what used to be called fingerprints. After all, I may have substituted a new Janet for the old Janet and they have to check. Either that or her fingers may have been altered by the whitening lotions many Filipinas love.

Other than the standard Federal Form, what kind of documentation do they require to prove that we are still happily married, living together, and spending money at the malls this holiday season? Anything and everything that has both of our names on it: tax returns, bank statements, statements from all our utilities (Homeland Security has to check out the garbage situation here in Casa Weisbord, right), medical statements, insurance statements, a beneficiary statement from my employer, airline tickets and itineraries for travel together. Plus of course, we’ve made Walgreens a bit richer  by printing every photo taken of us together over the course of the past two years. Considering the fact that the Philippines is the selfie capital of the world the number of pictures we are printing is decreasing the world’s silver content several percent.

If all that isn’t proof enough, the USCIS politely suggests that we obtain affidavits from friends verifying (upon penalty of death) that we are still married and living together. Unfortunately Facebook and blogging friends don’t count, otherwise I’d hit you all up for your signatures in blood.

What’s even crazier than the process I’m describing (and it’s frankly more Draconian than I am describing) is that because we are married, in just one year, Janet will be able to apply for U.S. citizenship, making her 10-year Green Card irrelevant. Well, irrelevant except for the $590 Homeland Security’s gonna pocket now and the $680 they get next year when we apply for the citizenship.

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Now despite my standard sarcastic tone I really do not object to all of this; well other than the $590. I think the country has a right to protect itself from people who are here illegally via immigration fraud.

And no, I am not stupid enough to get into the current brouhaha about refugees from a certain destabilized Middle Eastern country or who destabilized it. You can all argue among yourselves – I’ll wait.

What I will say is that the fiance and spousal visa process, as well as the Green Card process is made more difficult and lengthy by many of the people who try to apply, scam, and cut corners in the process. I will be talking (or bitching) more about that in my next blog piece – I promise!

For now Janet and I have one more essential piece of evidence to obtain to prove that Janet is ready to be an unconditional, no shit permanent resident of the United States – a trip to Walmart, with photographic evidence. But first Janet’s wondering where we put our noseplugs 🙂

 

 

 

 

 

The Philippines – It’s Like the 50s Only More Humid

If you’re past a certain age (and since I don’t want to offend anybody I won’t say what age that is) the first time you go to the Philippines you invariably come back thinking, “the place is right out of the 50s.”

As fellow blogger, Max Veracity, says in Living in Dumaguete, “time seems to stand still in this country as fads which were popular before these ladies were born are still current … today.” Fad number one is music. The first time I arrived in Manila and got in a taxi I was surprised to hear the radio play oldie after oldie; the stuff I grew up with; nothing past 1980. I assumed the driver, a middle-aged guy like me, liked him his golden oldies music. Hmmm…not quite. The next time I got in a taxi the driver was playing the same station. Quite a coincidence, I thought. That is until I heard the same station blaring out of a store.

How did I know it was the same station, besides the ancient play list? Because the same little kid yelled out the promo, “WIN Radio, WIN Radio” a thousand times until I heard it in my sleep. In fact, it sounds sappy, but now when I arrive in the Philippines and grab a taxi and hear that kid yell out “WIN Radio, WIN Radio, WIN Radio” I get all warm inside and feel like I am home. I mean I’m Jewish and they’re playing Neil Diamond and Barry Manilow. I have to feel at home, right?

In short, 70s and 80s music is modern music in the Philippines!

Then you have karaoke which hit it’s heyday in the US about thirty years ago. But every Filipino knows how to sing American songs from decades ago and they do it in every conceivable place. I mean coin operated karaoke machines on the beach? That seems a bit obsessive doesn’t it? When I hit the beach the last thing I am thinking about is singing. Swimming, snorkeling, checking out bikinis, drowning in an undertoe – sure. But Beach Blanket Karaoke? Not on my radar.

You want to dance in the Philippines – go to the local disco. Yep, they still exist. Travolta would feel right at home.

Malls: The financial pages are predicting doom and gloom for this year’s Xmas retail shopping season in the US. Mall traffic is down; brick and mortar stores are dying. But in the Philippines? They continue to build bigger and bigger malls. SM Seaside City Cebu Mall, will be the biggest mall in the Philippines (and 4th largest in the world) with 1000 shops and restaurants, is about to open; ok, based on Philippines time, who the hell knows when it will open. The point is mall construction is exploding in the Philippines.

These are not little strip malls like when we grew up. They are luxurious shopping cities. I’ve said this before, but it’s hard to imagine how a relatively poor country like the Philippines supports such high-end malls. Somebody’s hiding some cash somewhere. All I know is when we arrive in Cebu Janet is a very happy wife 🙂

Foods: I like many Filipino foods but other expats complain.  Fried foods, grease, cholesterol, pork, ice cream and chocolates are staples in the Philippines. Frankly people say this like it’s a bad thing 🙂

The issue isn’t the quality of the food; the issue is the country is right out of the 50s. Remember what we ate when we were kids? When hots dogs and beans was considered a quality meal. When proper cooking of  a steak meant how bloody could you cook it and still have it be considered dead. When vegetables came out of a Birdseye bag. When a healthy salad meant a chunk of iceberg lettuce with a tomato covered in Thousand Island dressing, aka mayonnaise. BTW, this is still my fave salad. The first time I got a salad at a restaurant in the Philippines it was a chunk of iceberg with some watery Thousand Island; they didn’t even bother with the tomato. I thought I’d died and gone to heaven!
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Family: Everyone’s attracted to the old fashioned family values in the Philippines, though if truth be told if those values no longer exist in the West, we must be somewhat to blame. But if you ask almost every expat they will tell you that they love the attitude towards the family, the elder members of the family, as well as the perceived attitudes toward marriage and divorce. Well, at least they love it until the family asks them for money 🙂

Women’s Attitudes: OK, here we have a sensitive subject, at least in the West. Ironically we’ve never had a woman President in the US (yet) but they have had in the Philippines and women do well in politics and business there. That being said, it’s easy to view women’s attitudes and gender differences as right out of our parents’ or grandparents’ generations. I image that, “Hey Edith, get me a San Miguel” can often be heard in the Philippines. (OK, it’s an old reference – look it up).

Recently Janet and I were out with a longtime female friend of mine. The two women got some alone time and my friend asked Janet what she liked to do with her free time after work. Janet told her she liked to “cook, bake and clean.”  Do I really need to tell you all how that answer went over?

 

 

 

 

 

Dodging Bullets at Manila Airport

The entire expat community, Fil-Am community, hell the entire Philippines is up in arms over the recent scandal at Manila’s NAIA Airport. If you’ve been living under a rock the last couple of weeks let me summarize.

The scam, which currently involves the investigation of 40 NAIA employees, works like this. You’re trying to get out of Manila; and if you’ve ever been in Manila you certainly know why you want to get out. You run your carry-on items through the x-ray machine, as is done at virtually every airport in the world. A bullet is mysteriously found in your carry on. You are in trouble; arrest is imminent. But of course the issue will go away and you can get on your plane and out of Dodge – for the appropriate number of pesos. The scheme is so sophisticated that apparently spotters were employed to pick the best targets. I’m not sure what constitutes an appropriate target; someone who really, really wants to get out of Manila, I suppose.

The scam works because you are rushing. You want to make your plane and get the hell out of NAIA (the reasons for that will soon become apparent); so a few (often more than a few) pesos is easier than the alternative, which usually involves having to stay in Manila.

I suppose one could also makes the case that the scam works because of the culture. I can’t imagine it would work well in the U.S. where the victim would scream bloody murder, police brutality, racial profiling (even if he was white). TSA would likely throw a few bucks in his pocket just to get him to shut up.

But in the Philippines, a country filled with respectful, quiet people, who only shout while singing karaoke, it works.

In addition, and this adds a tricky element to the proceedings, many Filipinos use a bullet as a good luck charm. In fact 4 people were arrested just yesterday at NAIA for bullets in their carry ons and 3 of the 4 readily admitted they were theirs. One of those arrested said, “It is just stupid to put people in jail for having one or two bullets.” No harm, no foul 🙂

———-

Now, NAIA has consistently been ranked as the worst airport in the world. Poll after poll over the years have deemed it a complete pit. If you have every been in Terminal 1 or 2 you know why. Collapsing floors, leaking ceilings, long lines, limited seating areas, lousy food, overpriced taxis, and for us foreigners the final shocking indignity – lousy wifi service.

But a strange thing happened recently. The airport improved (well a little) and this year dropped our of the top 10 (bottom 10, really). Terminal 3 is a big part of the improvement. You can actually sit, there’s a passenger lounge, there is edible food, and you can buy high end perfumes there. They’re even trying to improve seating in Terminal 1.

So here’s my theory. Some higher up type was upset by dropping out of the number 1 spot; they were proud at being number 1 at something, even being number 1 worst. Heads were going to roll. Surely, the world had to once again recognize NAIA for the shithole it really is.

It’s amazing what a few planted bullets can do. Is there any doubt which airport will head the worst list in 2016?

But this blog isn’t about airports or surveys or travel conditions. It’s about being married to a Filipina. So, let’s get to the important stuff.

Janet has been infuriated about this scandal, which in her view is a black stain on all Filipinos. Janet is a simple Pinay and believes in a simple solution for the perpetrators of this dastardly scheme – death.

“They should be shot!” she’s yelled often.

“Well, arrested but not…”
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“Shot. That’s the only solution.” Apparently Presidential Candidate Duterte has found his running mate in Janet.

So, now that we have solved what should be done to the perpetrators, Janet brainstormed about what was best the next time we travel to the Philippines.

“We will put locks on all our carry ons,” she stated.

“Kinda hard with my camera bag.” I always travel with a nondescript camera bag for camera, accessories plus anything else I want to bring on board the plane.

I did actually make the mistake of packing a camera in my luggage one time, when I was younger and dumber, worrying that it was too easy to steal out of a standard carry on. The luggage lock was broken and the camera stolen. Fortunately this was not a trip to the Philippines otherwise you’d all be up in arms over the baggage scandal. So now I have a camera bag that doesn’t look like a camera bag and there are flaps and pouches – not good for padlocks.

Janet was not to be deterred. “We can wrap our carryons in plastic. Tight so they cannot be opened.”

“Well for me the purpose of a carry on is to be able to get into it. So wrapped in plastic wouldn’t work for me.” The kano was clearly being difficult.

I tried to reason with my lovely wife. I explained that travel, especially international travel does have some risk, but that overall we are careful, work hard to minimize risk, and have so much fun traveling that it’s worth the risk. And then I added, “There is one major item that you are not considering in this discussion, darling. We don’t fly out of Manila. We never fly out of Manila.”

She had an answer. “They could start doing it in Cebu.” Apparently the bullet scam is franchising.

Addendum: The current rumor (maybe more than a rumor) is that the 3 arrested Filipinos who admitted to having a bullet or two on them were a set up designed to show that most of those detained were legitimate. All I know is this is much more fun than American scammers who generally wear suits and whose henchmen are the ones carrying the bullets.

 

 

 

Jeepney vs. BIL – the Accident!

Yesterday morning I received a disturbing text from my wife, Janet. Her older brother, living in Cebu City, was hit by a jeepney. Now most people in the Philippines know what this means. Jeepneys, and most everything else that drives in the Philippines, are dangerous as hell. And pedestrians don’t act much safer.

“How is he?” I asked.

“He’s in the hospital. He was hit on his feet; not deadly, but bad.”

The day was spent with all the family members calling and texting back and forth and with each round the seriousness of the situation became worse.

“Well he’s a tough guy, ” I told Janet. “We will hope for the best.”

“They just got a text from him saying he’ll be having a surgery or stitches,” Janet told me. I had to wonder about that comment. Surgery might imply a serious injury, broken bones from a foot run over by a speeding, careless jeepney. I like my BIL and joined the family in their communal worry.

By the time I arrived home I was expecting to hear the worst. My BIL, the next to the oldest of the kids in the family, had recently moved from the provinces to Cebu City and Cebu City has been known to eat provincial residents alive.

Janet was on the phone and it became clear she was speaking to the victim himself.

“Well?” I asked after she hung up.

“He had 8 stitches.”

“8 stitches? I thought he was in the hospital waiting for surgery  and it was bad.”
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“He’s home now. But he had to wait in the hospital a long time to get the stitches.”

I began giggling.

“Why are you giggling?” Janet demanded.

“8 stitches. You made it sound like it was a critical injury.”

” 8 stitches is serious; he’s in pain. And no one really knew.”

I laughed louder and Janet glared at me. By now if you’ve read this blog long enough you know I have a warped sense of humor.

I giggled more and my wife looked at me like I was crazy and sadistic.

I am of course sure that my BIL’s 8 stitches do hurt but by the time I was told of the outcome I was imagining an amputation or major life-altering surgery; you know, a Filipino version of Tiny Tim. Instead my BIL decided he needed to return home to Alcoy – so that his mother could take care of him.

I suppose that the takeaway here is to wait until the outcome is sure before you start worrying about the family drama. In short, it’s more fun in the Philippines, even when you hear about a family injury.

 

“Helping” Your Philippines Family

Today, I’m in an ornery mood and am going to give my take on one of the most controversial and trickiest (that is if you want to stay married) issues there is in a Fil-Am marriage: how to “help” your Philippines family.

First, let’s get the basic terminology out of the way. “Help” is a euphemism for money. If your fiancee asks you whether you are willing to “help” her family, she is not talking about performing household chores when you visit her in the provinces.

I bring this subject up today because I am on a forum and a guy there is asking about it. He’s looking online for a Filipina to potentially marry and wants to shell out as little green in the process as is possible; a good fiscal conservative, I suppose. He is assured by all that some form of “help” is essential. He is adamantly against that and begins to propose strategies to avoid “helping.” Surely, he reasons, he can find a middle or upper class Pinay whose family is loaded with pesos; there must be a few single Marcos or Aquino women lying around. No, we assure him; there aren’t many attractive, young and rich women interested in a poor, aging Westerner – especially one who refuses to “help.”

Finally he decides to search for women without parents and who want no children. Yep, lots of those in the Philippines 🙂 Apparently he’s also not yet heard of lolos and ates.

I honestly don’t know how this “help” business became a Philippines-only thing. Even among Western couples, assuming you stay married long enough (and maybe that’s the problem) someday you will be “helping” some family member(s). When my maternal grandfather got cancer (I was 12) he came to live with us. My maternal grandmother had a stroke and lived in a nursing home. I was too young to know the details but I have to assume my father shelled out some cash for the care of those inlaws. In those days it was part of the deal. Few women worked and the guy paid for his family and quite possibly hers as well. And she in turn took care of everyone, including his parents. The kids stayed out of the way and learned the hard and unpleasant truth about Poligrip.

In my childhood neighborhood this was quite common. Grandparents lived with their children/grandchildren. Are we so delusional that we don’t realize who paid or at least “helped.” Today we take the elderly in less often, preferring to farm them out to assisted living centers; BTW, you all have my permission to off me with a 357 before sending me to one of those. But regardless, someone’s got to pay.

OK, this piece is getting morbid which wasn’t my intention. My intention was to tell you all to man the hell up and pay – or at least contribute.

The best way to work this all out in a Fil-Am relationship is a radical one; talk to each other about it. I won’t get into too many of the specifics of what Janet and I do and don’t do, because frankly it’s none of your damn business 🙂 but we’ve talked about it from the beginning of our marriage, continue to talk about it regularly, make decisions together, and then take action. Or sometimes choose not to take action.

I know guys who claim that they have never “helped” their Philippines family. There is a name for that kind of husband in the Philippines – a liar 🙂 OK, there’s another name for such a husband – horny. Take your pick.

I know guys who claim that they have never “helped” their Philippines family. There is a name for that kind of husband in the Philippines – a liar 🙂

I also know foolhardy guys who wildly pay for everything, wanting to improve the quality of life for their new family. Of course it’s their money and if they want to buy an aircon for every room in their family’s home, or get each of their BILs a motorbike, and each SIL an ipad, then I need to ask these fools one thing and one thing only – how do I become of member of that family?

I have known plenty of guys on both the too little and too much end of the spectrum. Eventually it hurts the marriage and they have to find a moderate solution.

The following are some of the areas of “helping” you might need to discuss. I am not going to tell you what to do or not to do (what am I crazy); I just want to list areas of consideration:
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Emergencies – I consider emergencies to involve major medical problems or funerals but it’s possible for your BIL to consider that motorcycle he wants you to buy to be an emergency. You and your wife must come to an agreement on what constitutes an emergency. I’d recommend leaving the BIL out of that discussion.

BTW, just because you agree that there is an emergency does not mean you are responsible for paying for the entire emergency. I told the story recently about Janet’s uncle’s funeral; we did contribute, but just a modest amount of the cost.

Monthly Assistance – Many couples send an allowance to help the family with recurring bills. The advantage I suppose is that sending a set amount is easy. The disadvantage is that you may not be positive how it got used. Instead of a sack of rice or two, it could be going for a motorbike payment.

Education – Many Filipinas, wanting a better life for their younger siblings or cousins, send back money for education. The good news is that private education and college in the Philippines can be quite inexpensive. OTOH, if someone mentions the term “International School,” start taking out a loan or run.

It’s not unusual for the sister married to the kano to propose the following Pay it Forward type of arrangement: “I will pay for your college and you will work and contribute to the next kid’s college.”

Misc. – Janet and I have contributed small amounts of money for a variety of things: doctors appointments, meds, school clothing and supplies, etc. The amount is generally trivial.

Of course with all this you get into the question of who pays. If your wife does not work, the answer’s simple dude – you pay. If your wife works it gets more complex; do you ask her to pay out of her paycheck or share the expense. I am of the old school way of thinking that all the money that comes in is ours jointly, regardless of whose paycheck it came from. Actually I am from the old school way of thinking that all the money that comes in is hers, but let’s not tell Janet that 🙂

BTW, if you are as lucky as me to have a really nice Philippines family (and in my modest experience most are) you will be thanked for your efforts from here until your death bed.  Everyone will remember that last year you paid for the meds, bought a school uniform, contributed a small amount to the funeral, etc. Enjoy being the hero. You don’t get those accolades very often in my culture!

 

 

 

 

Dumaguete Just Might Be the Place

Once you decide that you’re going to retire and relocate to another place, another country even, you breathe a sign of relief – the big decision’s done, though maybe your goose is cooked. You’re relieved until you realize that the country’s pretty damn huge, with 7100 islands, and there are nearly as many places to live in and styles of living as there are places and styles in your home country. Do you go all metro, live in a small city, or live out in the Philippines version of the sticks, lumped together by expats as the generic term “the provinces?”

That’s the decision every expat wannabee gets to ponder. Janet and I could go in many ways. I sure as hell didn’t make this strategy up but when I make any major life change I usually separate what I want into three criteria: “must haves,” “important to haves,” and “nice to haves.” There’s also the negative category of “are you effing crazy?” For me that negative category encompassed Metro Manila and Cebu City. I have no interest in moving into an environment of pollution, overpopulation, and traffic madness. I have that in the US.

For a long time Janet’s “must have” was any place that included Cebu in the address. Having grown up in Southern Cebu it was hard for her to imagine living on any other island. She didn’t necessary care where it was as long as it was on Cebu Island. I basically agreed. I didn’t want to be in Metro Cebu City, which is a place I like to visit but couldn’t imagine living in. But I liked the towns along the southern coast, and this year we visited Moalboal on the left coast of the island and we both liked our few days there. So there seemed to be plenty of options that included that cherished Cebu in the address.

There’s no right answer here folks; it’s not a standardized test. What was important to me was to be somewhat close to a city (albeit a smaller city). The city should provide access to decent medical care, some restaurants, a movie theater, a coffee shop or two, as well as mall shopping for Janet. I’m not sure I actually want to live in a city and since the biggest Philippines cities do not have what we think of in the US as suburbs (they’re more defined by the gentle term “urban sprawl”), having an area outside a smaller city would be rare and come under the “good to have” category.

Other “must haves:” beaches not too far away. Neither of us is a fan of living on the beach, but we want to be close enough to hit the water at a moment’s (or hour’s) notice. Great views are a “must have” – well that’s easy – great views are pretty much standard faire in the whole country, minus the aforementioned Manila and Cebu City, although Tops in Cebu City and parts of Mactan have pretty spectacular views.

But here’s where Dumaguete, on Negros, is really perfect for both Janet and I; it’s a short ferry ride to Cebu (see map). Cross in a half hour and then about an hour’s drive north and you’re in the lovely town of Alcoy, Janet’s home. It makes it easy for Janet to get real Cebu sand under her feet, and go home any time she wants, but still gives us the independence of living a couple hours, and one ferry ride away.

map-of-dumaguete-negros-oriental-philippines

Dumaguete’s got plenty of restaurants, hospitals for my old age (a long time from now), and 4 colleges/universities which add a youthful energy to the place. There’s a lengthy Boardwalk area (see featured pic) and unbelievably a decent park or two. Parks are not popular in the Philippines. I’m just spitballing here but it’s possible that in a country where most people don’t own a vehicle they figure that walking in a park for pleasure in 90 degree heat/90% humidity is one of those things only crazy kanos do. But I like parks, like to walk, and Dumaguete and Valencia have parks. Valencia has a great water park and beautiful water falls, as well.

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Successfully reached the falls
Successfully reached the falls

Note: Here I am in front of some falls and the cute Pinay is Janet, so hopefully I’m safe.

Now that I’ve mentioned it, Valencia, is one of those rare things in the Philippines – a suburban town. Fifteen minutes outside Dumaguete it’s a bit higher in elevation and has spectacular views of the island of Cebu.

25_800_sqm_lot_in_sibulan_dumaguete_negros_oriental_97963334416981470

It’s cooler in the evening (though cooler is a relative term in the Philippines). The town is beautiful and peaceful. You can live like a rich foreigner if you want but certainly can live nicely without breaking the bank (well, not too much).

The negatives? A couple of major publications have recently called Dumaguete one of the best places to retire in the world. Why is that a negative, you ask? Because the rest of you might go there 🙂 Did I mention that one of my “nice to haves” is not to be surrounded by too many other expats? Note: Janet says this is mean, but the truth is the truth, although if you run into me I will be quite pleasant, especially if you hand me a San Miguel 🙂 

 

 

The Submissiveness of Filipinas

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Once again a guy posted, wondering if women from the Philippines are submissive. He wants a humble, feminine and submissive woman. I get what he means and I suspect in this instance he was sincere. But I told him that in my experience while many Filipinas I know are humble and feminine they are about as submissive as rabid pit bulls.

I get it – it’s a stereotype – the docile Asian woman. It gets particularly tricky since the word submissive has multiple connotations, one or two of which are kind of fun.

But I think in this instance the connotation was that many men, whether we admit it or not, would sometimes like to be the boss in their relationship. I’m not going to rail on feminism but as far as I can tell the last American guy who was “the boss” was Tony Danza. Sorry, it’s an old reference, but then I’m an old guy:)

http://www.imdb.com/title/tt0086827/?ref_=nv_sr_1

I’m not going to rail on feminism but as far as I can tell the last American guy who was “the boss” was Tony Danza.

There’s no question that there are some Western men who are creeps and want a combination of servant and sex slave. These are to be avoided by Filipinas and kanos alike.

But for many of us, we left previous marriages feeling battered and defeated, unable to make marriage work either though old- fashioned “hey Edith, get me a beer” methodologies or by trying to embrace modern gender re-balancing.

The Philippines is in some ways like being transported to the 50s. For me, I thought the modern, new age, we’re all equal, is what I wanted; that is until I first went to the Philippines. I found that I liked women who wanted to look good to attract men. I liked the girls throwing out flattering lies. I liked the family dynamic and the slightly conservative culture, which was inconsistent with my political or social views. And of course, mostly I liked Janet.
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Let me tell you just how submissive Janet is. I have mentioned a couple of times that Janet was promoted at her job and I am very proud of her. The other day at work one of her superiors walked by her with a quick order for her to instruct her employees to improve their attitude towards customers “or else”. He kept on walking. Janet was infuriated by his condescending and threatening tone toward her. She came home and vented and threw out a couple of threats herself. Fortunately we don’t own a bolo.

The next day she went to the Store Manager and complained. I think some tears were thrown in for good measure. He promised to have the manager in question apologize to her. She said that wasn’t good enough. “He must apologize to my whole department.” The Store Manager repeated that he would straighten it all out.

A couple days later the offender asked to speak to Janet and called her into his office. I am sure he will regret this for a long time. He apologized to the max as she yelled at him. Ultimately he said, “I have apologized to you many times. What more do you want me to do?

Janet replied, “I am not satisfied. You make me angry to the bone.”

She called me to tell me of the confrontation. She wasn’t scared; she sounded proud of herself. And frankly I am proud of her too.

So while Filipinas often make great wives, don’t expect them to be submissive. That could be a costly mistake – for your oten 🙂

As for my wonderful Janet –  when we move to the Philippines, I’m not buying a bolo!

 

Our Bunker in the Philippines

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Here’s a few random conversations that Janet and I have recently had:

Now that my retirement is, while not around the corner, at least within view, we talk more and more about the type of home where we would like to ultimately live. The other day Janet told me she would like “an underground place” in our future home.

“You mean a basement?” I asked, confused.

“No, of course not,” she replied. In fact there are few basements built in homes in the Philippines. If you find one, good chance it was built by an expat. Not sure of the reason for the lack of basements – perhaps the risk of typhoons. “A place dug under the ground,” she added.

After I quizzed her a bit I realized that what she was asking for was – a bunker. My mind wandered humorously to thoughts and images of Hitler and Eva’s last days and of the bomb shelters paranoid Americans built in the 50s and 60s.

“If you’re worried about storms, I would think a basement would be better,” I told Janet.

“Of course it’s not about storms. We’d drown underground in a typhoon.”

“Then why do you want an underground place?”

“War,” she stated matter of factly. I suppressed a giggle.

“If the Chinese attack the Philippines, I don’t think Alcoy or Valencia (two of the places we are thinking about moving to) would be at the top of their attack list,” I said.

“If the Chinese attack the Philippines, I don’t think Alcoy or Valencia would be at the top of their attack list.”

I tried to reason with her stating that war in the Philippines was highly unlikely. She reminded me of the Japanese in WW2. I told her that even if there was a war, Alcoy would be an unlikely battle front. She reminded me again of the Japanese in WW2 and told me that the very neighborhood in which she grew up had been much larger before the war and had in fact been renamed after the war.

I found it strange that a person born generations after the end of WW2 could still be so impacted by it; but that terrible memory is a huge holdover in the Philippines.

There was no sense in arguing further and I finally promised her that if war came, we would have the resources and the car to escape.

“What about my family?” she asked. I should have known that response was coming.
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“I don’t think they’ll all fit in the bunker,” was all I could add.

———-

Janet works very hard at her job and comes home almost daily with stories of bumps and scrapes and cuts she got at work. In the culture I grew up in we would call her a bit of a klutz. But she’s an awfully cute klutz, so I think I’ll keep that word to myself.

Yesterday she told me that she banged her knee hard enough that she yelled out “Oh shit,” at the top of her lungs. Her co-workers laughed and chastised her.

I know that she not only curses when an accident happens but she has been known to curse at her employees, although they all still like her. I imagine they think her outbursts are cute.

I remarked, “You seem to curse a lot more than you used to.” She agreed. “Did you curse in the Philippines?”

“My mother would scold me if I did,” she replied. But I knew that she had not lived at home the last five years before she arrived in the US, working and studying in Leyte.

“I didn’t curse there either,” she said. “Remember, I went to church daily when I was there.”

I felt a twinge of guilt that while I have supported her religious beliefs and activities and would drive her to church on Sundays when she first arrived in the US, I knew that she hadn’t attended in a very long time. I suspect that the church experience here just isn’t the same as in the Philippines.

“So you just curse more because it’s more standard vocabulary in the US?”

“Yes, that’s true. And because I learned it from you,” she laughed.

Oops.

———-

 A couple days ago completely out of the blue Janet asked me, “What do you think about kids with electronic gadgets?” I told her what she already knew; that my teens have iphones and Macbooks, seemingly like most kids around here.

“I don’t like kids with all these gadgets to play on. Now, two year olds have phones.” I agreed but know that in the US it’s hard to get around it. All kids have them and what is the alternative? “Going outside? Where there are bugs? Don’t be silly.”

“I want our child to play outside. How old were your kids when they first got phones?”

It was long enough ago that I couldn’t remember. And before the kids had iphones they had ipods and Gameboys.

“Well, I don’t want our child to become a gadget addict.” After some back and forth we agreed that 12 was a reasonable age to get one of these new fangled electronic gadgets.

“Of course,” I reminded Janet. “By the time a kid of ours could hit 12, that phone and those gadgets will be built into your brainstem.” I then looked over at her, holding her iphone 6 and chatting on Facebook Messenger. “And you might have a tough time telling a kid he/she can’t have a gadget when you’re on your phone all day,” I added smiling.

“I’ll tell him I’m working.”

Sickness and Death in the Philippines

Note: There’s not a lot of humor in the following piece. Next time – I promise!

Sunday morning Janet got up early to check her messages. I wasn’t surprised. Her department at work is short-handed and she sort of expected to get called in on her day off. She’s an Asst. Manager and I am very proud of her, but this crap happens all too often.

She threw on some clothes and I expected to hear that she’d gotten called in. Instead she only said, “my uncle died.”

“What? You mean the one who was sick?” Actually in my pre-awake haze I’d gotten that wrong. Another uncle’s wife had been ill and there had been several calls and drama about that over the previous week. A young woman in her early 30s she’d been going to doctors for months and they hadn’t yet solved the problem. In the end the family decided that she should travel to her parents’ home for rest and recuperation. But what to do about her three children? Her husband would come home to care for them and my mother in law volunteered to care for one of the kids, who immediately moved in with the family.

My mother in law has raised ten kids, three of whom are young and still live at home. In addition, she has two baby/toddler grandkids who live next door and spend much of their day with grandma. In fact so much of their day is spent with her that they call her “mama.” It’s common in the Philippines.

She has made it very clear that if Janet and I ever have a child and if we would like to drop off the child for a little while – oh, say six months – that would be fine with her! She’s had a lot of kids and grandkids, but no white babies with long noses yet 🙂

So it was no surprise that she took on her brother’s child so that the child’s mother could recover. Unfortunately, the woman doesn’t truly think she will recover and worries about what to do with her children after her death.

So naturally, early in the morning, I got the various family members confused. “No, not her,” Janet said. “My other uncle. Another of my mother’s brothers. You remember.” And I did remember meeting him and his being a nice guy. He too couldn’t wait until Janet had her “white baby.”

“What happened?” I asked. Take the following account with a grain of salt, because it’s third hand and told in a different language.

“His leg was hurting and they took him to the hospital in Dalaguete.” Now hospital is a misnomer here; the small town of Dalaguete, in Southern Cebu, has little more than a clinic. In the clinic, Uncle complained that the pain was greater and he could not move his leg. Though not deemed critical, the situation was serious enough that they recommended he be referred to a hospital in Cebu City.

His wife was told by friends that she ought to apologize for any arguments they had had. This is apparently a common belief in the Philippines before death, where spirits that have unresolved conflicts can’t fly free. But in her view the condition wasn’t serious enough for the apology. She and other friends and relatives sat by Uncle, who had fallen asleep, as they awaited to arrange the transfer. Unfortunately Uncle had not fallen asleep; he’d passed away in his sleep.

The family was stunned as was Janet. Her Uncle was in his latter 50s; still relatively young; younger than Janet’s geriatric husband. And he was relatively healthy.

An autopsy was performed. It showed that he’d had a wound on the affected leg and apparently an infection traveled to the brain.

Janet was devastated by the loss of her uncle. The day was spent with lots of phone conversations and Facebook messages.

And of course when a death occurs you can’t help but think of one thing – your own death.

“I changed my mind,” Janet said. “If I die you don’t have to ship my body back to the Philippines. Just cremate me.”

“Why did you decide that?”
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“It’s too expensive.”

“I’m sure I can manage. I’d call your mom and see what she wanted done. But what are you talking about? You’re 27. You’re not dying. You will at least make it till we retire in the Philippines in two years.”

“Well it’s too expensive.”

“Speaking of expensive, don’t spend much on my funeral. I don’t care – I’ll be dead.”

Of course this led to the most important question and the one that I knew was coming: should we contribute to Uncle’s funeral expenses, or more accurately, how much should we contribute?

“How much do funerals cost in the Philippines?” I asked.

“It’s very expensive. I know how much was spent for my lola’s coffin.”

I Googled it and actually found lots of information on funeral costs in the Philippines. Of course, just as in the US, you could spend nearly any amount, from 10,000P to 1,000,000P.

After some back and forth discussion I proposed a figure. Janet scrunched her nose. I wasn’t sure if that meant the figure was too little or too much. “Ask your mom how much it’s all gonna cost and then we can decide,” I said. But we certainly decided that while we were ok with contributing we were not going to pay the whole thing.

At night Janet called her mom again. After getting all the latest news Janet proposed our contribution. Her mom countered the figure – lower.

“Mom says you get a 20% discount,” Janet said and we both laughed; the first laugh of the day for Janet. In reality the amount was modest and once again showed me that for all the complaints from some expats about their Filipina’s family, I have a great one!

BTW, here’s another example of how wonderful my Filipino family is. Janet’s mom complained because her 19 year old son, now gainfully employed in Cebu City, called her 4 times to make sure she was OK. She had just lost her favorite brother and was no doubt heartbroken. But mom was amused and annoyed that the son wouldn’t leave her alone.

As with all deaths which occur suddenly, there were lots of comments all day about what a good thing it was that Uncle didn’t suffer.

My attitudes toward my own death have changed so much over the years. When I was 20 I was positive that I would “live fast and die young.” By middle age I figured I would live fairly long, not enjoy it too much and work till I died. Now at 62 I find myself at times a bit scared. I have so much to live for and don’t want to lose a moment of it!

P.S. Watching a movie Janet just leaned over and told me, “I want a baby more than ever.” We all think of our mortality in different ways. Clearly I have some work to do before I go 🙂

 

How to Argue With Your Filipina Wife

I am not proud of the fact that Janet and I argue more often than I would like. OTOH I am proud of the fact that our arguments are invariably about nothing and are usually things we laugh about afterwards. Or at least Janet laughs at me.

Now, let’s face it, no matter what culture you are from, all couples occasionally argue – some more than occasionally.  I have a couple of online friends who claim they have never argued with their Filipina wives, but I don’t believe them. At the very least I would have to say that life would be a little dull if one never disagreed or felt passionate enough about his or her point of view to, well, get heated about it.

But the question here is – are arguments engaged by Fil-Am couples different? Sometimes the answer has to be yes. We all know that some disagreements with our asawas are language-based. A misunderstanding based on language occurs and suddenly all hell breaks loose because when she asked you to “shut the light” you shrugged your shoulders and shut the door because you had no idea what the hell “shut the light” means.

Or if she tells you her brother/father/ate got load and you assume she meant they got drunk as a skunk, rather than that they can now call you on their cell – a big argument might ensue.

And then there are misunderstandings that are cultural. Like most Filipinas, Janet points to something or indicates agreement with a tiny flick of her lips. So, if I ask her something and am anticipating a yes or no answer and don’t notice or am not looking directly at her lips, it causes confusion. I am wondering why she didn’t answer me and she gets pissed because she knows she did answer me – with her lips – and why didn’t I pay attention to her.

I would also say that at least 50% of all our arguments in some way, shape or form involve “the family.” Now I really like Janet’s family. I am serious – they are very nice people and I enjoy seeing them. I have been to her hometown of Alcoy 5 or 6 times now and each time we return to the Philippines, Janet is positive that I don’t want to go to Alcoy and don’t really want to see her family, despite what I believe is significant evidence to the contrary. So when we plan our latest trip to the Philippines, we usually end up in some sort of minor argument over visiting Alcoy, despite the fact that we both agree that we want to visit Alcoy.

Once we have booked the trip, including the one week to Alcoy, Janet will shyly ask whether she can spend one night with her family alone, with me staying in the hotel. I know this request is coming, and agree immediately. I completely understand why a night without the kano son in law is a great thing for all of them. But of course this is followed by ten separate discussions making sure it is really, really OK.

“What will you do when I’m gone?” Janet will ask.

“I don’t know. I’ll figure it out,” I respond. This is usually followed by fears that I will do something dangerous, like take a trike on my own or go swimming at the beach. I assure Janet that I have been swimming on my own “since I was 40,” and can handle it. She will nod in agreement but tell me that her mother says there is the section of the beach where there is undertoe and really I should maybe just swim at the hotel’s pool (where I am also less likely to meet another Filipina 🙂 )

In these discussions I keep calm by reminding myself that my previous wives never cared so much for my safety, never asked for permission to do things on their own, and for that matter never asked my opinion about anything, and unlike Janet, never worried about whether I might meet another Filipina.
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The flip side is that I too have insecurities and they sometimes come into play during disagreements, usually in the form of wondering why a beautiful woman like Janet would be with a mope like me in the first place. Fears about my age, height, and lack of hair come to the forefront and Janet ends up annoyed by having to remind me that I am “not that old,” am somewhat taller than her, but that it is true that “I wish you had more hair.” Well two out of three ain’t bad, I tell myself.

Sometimes it seems like the thing that causes the most heated arguments is – the sending of the balikayan box. This happened recently. Janet had done a great job filling the box with the goodies we had accumulated over the past couple months. She did quite a job of overstuffing the box with the maximum amount it can possibly hold. After that it takes a herculean effort to close the box and tape it shut, usually involving one person sitting on the thing, while the other uses all his strength to pull the box lids closed and quickly throwing some tape around it.

This particular night I came into our bedroom tired and ready to go to bed. I tore off most of my clothing and Janet said, “let’s close the box.” I looked at it and immediately realized it would be a long, sweaty process and said “let’s wait till tomorrow. Set it on its side so the contents can settle. That might make it easier.” But Janet was ready right then and so we went at the box. Grunts and curses ensued (mostly by me) at first directed at the box and tape, and then directed at each other – ok, those were mostly by me also. We gave up and went silently to bed.

24 hours later Janet decided it might be ok for me to talk to her again. Apologies were given and a certain amount of necessary groveling was done (also by me) and all was well with the world.

The next day we went at the box again and easily got it taped up. I thought to myself (but smart husband that I am kept it to myself) ‘see, when the contents settle, it goes easily.’ Janet thought and then said to me, “see, when we do it together and you’re not cranky, it goes easily.”

So, now I have told you, dear readers how to avoid and resolve your Fil-Am argument problems – or maybe not!

PS. OK, Lucy and Ricky (above) aren’t Fil-Am but their arguments were so funny and they usually made up so well.

BTW, here’s my favorite description of the way most of us Westerners argue, Monty Python’s legendary  Argument Clinic:

https://youtu.be/hnTmBjk-M0c